I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
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She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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