Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
