There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
