This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
