yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
