The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
