Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
