I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
