you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
