I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
