So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
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Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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