Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
