I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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