so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
