I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
