Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
