highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm at about main and main street
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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