and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
