i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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