I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
