I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
