Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
