Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
