how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
