wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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