I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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