theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
