Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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