i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
