Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
