All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
