I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
