New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
