I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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