Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
the condom got lost in my hair
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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