Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
