I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
