I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
