I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
