happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
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Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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