He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
