he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
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There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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