When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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