Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
