Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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