i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
