Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
