i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
