my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I think i got beer on your cat.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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