Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
