I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I got chris browned last night
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
