Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
