oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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