he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
