Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We were destined to go to rehab together
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
