The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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