i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
