Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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