Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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