after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
