Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
